Ah Ah Ah Staying alive with therapy

Cognitive behavioral therapy, its important principles and how they are working for me.

Since life had a twisted sense of humor towards me in the last months, I have decided to fight back and start once again therapy … for the third time. Well, after all three is a magic number so maybe this time I will fix myself once and for all.

I will not bother explaining why the first two times therapy was not effective (spoiler: it was me!) and I will simply say that in August I have begun working with a great therapist that applies the so called cognitive behavioral therapy (‘CBT’), which is a method that has a very simple yet cathartic goal: changing your patterns of behaviors and your circular negative thinking.

The whole thing revolves around the assumption that during our childhood we develop some core beliefs that will serve us as a sort of compass to navigate through life, until we become a valuable and productive member of society or, as they call it, an adult.

Some of us, though, are not willing to say goodbye to their inner child and so they tend to keep with them their core beliefs, which have the tendency to be rather Manichean and let’s be honest not very helpful: who would want to have a 5 years-old screaming in their head ‘you are stupid, you have no worth’ when they are trying to calculate the weighted average cost of capital of a potential investment or while they are negotiating a transaction?

Let me tell you who: NO ONE.

Thus, CBT enlightened me and taught me that while I was brushing my beloved Barbie and reading books on Greek mythology, I developed some peculiar core beliefs that made me a very dysfunctional human being, one of those that would work very well in a Woody Allen movie and very poorly in real life.

Ok, what else then?

Apparently, linked to the concept of core beliefs there are eight important principles that can help you understand and change these beliefs if necessary.

So let’s dig in!

The first important principle is that your core beliefs were not chosen rationally but they were simply the conclusions that a child could reach based on his/her limited perception of reality and so such beliefs are not dysfunctional but using them as a compass now that you are a 32 old woman might not be the smartest choice.

Thus, it should be easy to change these core beliefs, correct? After all, I have managed to stop believing in Santa Claus once that I have collected enough evidences that he was not real, so, in the same way, I should be able to stop believing that the fact that my brain functions in a different way than most of the people I know, does not mean that I am stupid, or not enough, or not worthy.

The problem is that, once you establish these core beliefs you automatically start developing assumptions and consequential rules and your life starts becoming something like that: since I am stupid because I am different, I need to please everyone in every possible way, I need to excel even in the way I breathe so I will prove that I am not stupid.

Imagine how many times your fragile ego is crashed by reality because eventually you will fail and imagine how well your disturbed mind will react to that.

The second important principle is that children tend to be very egocentric and so they think that everything that happens around them is either related to them or, even worse, their fault.

My personal stand on this is that kids do not know much of the world around them and they analyse situations and feelings with the few tools they have … but after all, isn’t it what we all do?

Anyway, according to this second important principle children develop mistaken core beliefs regarding themselves, their environment and their role in it; an easy example is that usually kids of divorced parents think that they were the reason behind the painful separation; all of us should be able to identify that specific moment during our childhood when we decided that we were the root of all the problems in our small worlds and, hopefully, while we were growing up we were also able to understand that we were/are actually too small to have such an impact.

In my case, I think I have caused some good level of frustration for my parents because I was a six years old that was extremely bothered by loud noises and as soon as elementary school started, I threatened my parents that I would have killed myself if they would have not moved me to another school … because the janitor was screaming during recess.

I have also tried to do many sports, but these experiments were always ending in tears because gyms were full of loud people and they smelled really bad; now it might sounds funny but I still remember the dread I felt during those moments, especially because I saw how puzzled my parents were and how it was difficult for them to make some sense out of me.

I know that I should have learned that I was simply different rather than developing a core belief that I was stupid, but I don’t know, it felt so easy at the time to simply label myself like that and withdraw from any kind of competition.

The third important principle is quite reassuring as it tells us that core beliefs that have been originated by terrible experiences (like rape), upon which is more than normal to based one’s perception of life, can be eliminated through a release process and that actually these releases are quicker than others.

Unfortunately, this uplifting principle does not tell us how this process of release works and how we can finally get rid of all those trauma-based core beliefs. Does this mean that we need a professional therapist to achieve that? You will probably do not like the answer and honestly I am still struggling with it: yes, you need help. You need tons of help. You need all the help possible.

These core beliefs are sneaky monsters that live in your head and dictate pretty much everything you do and the worst part is that most of the time you are not even aware of it; this is why you need a professional therapist to open up your brain, understand how it works, untangle all your distorted thoughts and put it back.

Therapy is tough and it requires a huge effort from the patient, and I am realizing it only now, because for the first time (I have said it, third is a magic number!) I am giving up all my defensive mechanisms and I am trying to be there 100%. And I will tell you something: it makes all the difference. Now, every time I go back home from a therapy session, I bring back with me another piece of the puzzle and I am definitely more present during the week, I am able to identify and decipher my automatic reactions and I manage to defeat them. It is a constant struggle, though, and it is tiring but in the long run it should be worth it.

The fourth important principle tells you that you live what you believe and that this has a huge impact in the way you see and perceive yourself and the world around you. While this statement might not seem revolutionary, we need to consider that if your core beliefs are self-destructive it is very likely that they will make you distort reality in a way to serve them.

That is because core beliefs are active, they are always there and they have almost always been with you, they fit your skin like a comfortable and warm blanket and before you realize it, they are crawling inside you and the magic is done. You will eat them, breath them, live them and you will not even realize it before you are 32, a functional mask on the outside and a dysfunctional shit on the inside.

In my case, my main core beliefs are that I am stupid and in general a failure and this means that I filter everything through this lens: every decision I make, is carefully scrutinized by these evil monsters that like to laugh at me, that love to pity me for simply having the hubris of thinking that I might have some sort of value.

This happened every time that I was taking an exam at the university, where there was a part of my brain busy in replying to the professor and another one that kept repeating: now you get up, you apologize to the professor for wasting his time and you go home, you are clearly not prepared enough.

This happened when I have applied for a post-graduate program in a prestigious university, this happened when I have applied for an MBA.

This happens any time I sit down for a job interview.

I got good grades at the university, I was admitted at both the post-graduate program and at the MBA, my success rate at job interviews is quite high. Yet, the evil monsters are still here. They do not care about factual evidences.

Another problem of distorting reality to accommodate these types of core beliefs is that many choices you will make will hurt you but, still, you will feel the need of proving to yourself that those core beliefs are true … after all, they have been your loyal companions for so long, it would be definitely rude to simply disregard them.

So, you start surrounding yourself of people that will give the exact feedback you are so intensively craving. Is it a coincidence that many of my friends are quite harsh, and it is more likely than not for them to stress a flaw of mine rather than a strength? Is it a coincidence that many of them often pay little attention to what I say when we are together?

I do not think so. Does this mean that they are terrible people and I should look for new friends? Absolutely not.

It simply means that I taught them to treat me like that by not saying anything when I feel hurt or ignored because I keep on playing the role of the failure personality.

The fifth important principle seems amazing on paper but so far, I have never experienced it in real life.

As already pointed out, in theory our core beliefs were supposed to be temporary and to last until we were mature enough to realize that living our life and interpreting every bit of our reality according to something we developed when we were kids was like keep on taking the stairs in a skyscraper when the elevator is perfectly functioning: irrational, not efficient and definitely tiring.

After all, unless you have masochistic tendencies, at some point you should invite those sneaky monsters to go to hell and you should start living your own life, becoming your own captain. When this miracle happens, your core beliefs become core truths and this process should lead to some uplifting results, like ‘when you release your belief that you are imperfect, you hear and just know the truth of how special you really are’ or ‘when you release your belief that you are a failure, you hear and just know the truth that anything you do will succeed’.

Now, who would not want that? I would trade everything I have, all the people I have met until here, all the people I love and all the people that love me, family included, just to stop feeling this mix of hate, disgust, pity and violence towards myself and yet here I am, spitting in front of the mirror every second I am awake.

In theory, I own my life and I can decide to live it however I prefer, and this means that every day I make a conscious choice of living only the ramifications of beliefs that make me miserable.

This does not make any sense.

And here comes the sixth important principle: none of this is rational.

With your intellect you are for sure able to understand that you need to let go of your unhealthy core beliefs but the main problem is that these unwanted friends live in your unconscious mind so rational arguments will not be enough to send them away.

Aren’t drug addicts weak and not particularly bright? After all, they know that drugs are like poison for their bodies and brains, they know that after the first incredibly happy moments, drugs do not help anymore and that they will keep on looking for that feeling that will never return, they know that most probably they have lost their job because of the substance, they have hurt many people they love because of the substance.

They know, they know it all and yet they keep on looking for that last fix, desperately, as if their life depends on it.

Deplorable, isn’t it? This is why drug addicts are often considered the scum of the earth and this is probably why I have always felt connected to them.

We rationally know that we should not feed our inner beast and yet here we are, thoughtfully making sure that the beast keeps on becoming bigger and scarier.

And we can even rationally feel better every now and then because we have learned few tricks on how to tame our inner beast, but the truth is that unless we completely immerse ourselves in our unconscious mind, we will never overcome our inside battles.

A key part of this immersion is linked to the seventh important principle: revisiting your childhood, going back to when all this mess started and successfully modifying your core belief.

Analyzing your childhood is a vital part of every therapeutic journey, but I have always refused to do so since I never wanted to blame my parents for anything, I kept on repeating that they have been amazing parents, that they gave me everything I could have asked for, that thanks to them I grew up in a serene environment full of culture and interesting discussions. The core belief of being inherently defective is so glued to my soul that for me is natural to think that I was an impossible child rather than admitting that my parents could have done few things differently.

I have always refused to hold them accountable for my insecurities … until now.

I have always refused to give such power to anyone to maintain the illusion that I was in control. The truth is that admitting that my parents played a part in the person I have become does not mean removing myself from the equation, as after all I have decided until today to believe that I was a failure and to act accordingly; it simply means accepting that it is normal to be influenced by how your parents treated you when you were a kid and that it is natural to be shaped by that.

It also means, though, coming to terms with the idea that parents can fail and that even if they never told me that I was good enough, even if they never encouraged me to pursue what was making me feel alive and rather they pushed me to a more standardized life, this does not mean that I need to comply with the idea they have of me and, most importantly, this does not mean that there was something wrong with me back then.

For sure they failed to see me and thus they did not understand me and this led me to believe that I was defective, that I needed to hide my real self and this feeling was reinforced any time that someone was scared and ran away when facing my negativity, my absurdness, my maniac moments.

But I can change that. I can go back in time and hug that little sad kid and tell her that now I see her and I love her and I will accept the good and the bad and I will not be afraid. I can tell her that people, even adults that should know better, sometimes are a bit lost in their own world and they react to situations they do not fully understand doing the best they can or doing what they think it is best.

Most of the time they are not even awake and often they do not act with the intention to hurt you. They do what they can understand and what does not fit their mental order is quickly dismissed.

I can repeat this to her until the rage and the sadness will be gone and we will be able to rise again, hand in hand. I guess this might take a while, but I hope it will be worth it.

Once this magic will be done, we will be ready to embrace the eight important principle which reminds us that the unconscious mind is extremely powerful and that unless we are able to tame it, we will never heal completely.

Indeed there is a huge difference between knowing that there is actually nothing wrong with me and feeling that I am capable and worth of something and while the rational mind is a life saver in many occasions as it allows me to function properly regardless of any internal scar, it is the unconscious mind that takes control of everything when some of my triggers are activated, like being rejected for a job you thought you could get or being diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and realizing your life will not be the same.

When events like these happen, my unconscious mind screams defective and here we go again: I am a little kid, my parents do not know what to do with me, they laugh at my meltdowns or otherwise ignore me. I can almost feel my brain running towards those feelings and I become helpless, I cannot do anything else but being a victim of these outbursts.

The good news is that it does not have to be always like that and I can learn how to be in charge of my unconscious mind as well, I can use it as a tool to investigate my emotions without being dragged by them and I can heal … eventually.

It is a long journey that requires everyday efforts and I will need a huge amount of strength, which I might have, and tons of hope, which by nature I am lacking, but I can try to compensate with my innate stubbornness: I have made it my object to get better and after all, there will always be time to die so sticking around for few more months will not hurt!